When keeping it real goes wrong
When I was asked to write about authenticity, I didn’t even know it was a thing. Here was my first draft:
“Just be yourself. Unless you’re a jerk, then don’t be that way. THE END.”
Admittedly, not a great blog article, and once I did some research I realized there’s a lot more nuance to the topic of authenticity. And while it’s nice to think that all businesses would support authenticity (after all, they hired you for a reason), that’s not the reality. In my career I’ve certainly felt the expectations to dress, act, or speak a certain way. To some degree that’s fine, and to be expected. Any time you join a company it’s a two-way street—they have to accept you but you also have to accept them. If you work at a mega bank it’s going to be different than a tech startup.
However, no one should have to try to fit into a cookie-cutter mold to be accepted or succeed in the workplace. That’s a sure sign you’re in the wrong company and antithetical to the diverse and psychologically safe environments that modern businesses are aspiring to attain.
Of course, as soon as I knew there was something to write about, writer’s block set in. What is authenticity really, and when does it cross a line? I kept coming back to Ben Horowitz detailing his intentional and unintentional use of profanity in The Hard Thing About Hard Things. While he doesn’t directly address authenticity in his retelling of the story, it’s clear that he felt the most honest version of himself (and the tech industry as a whole) included some F-bombs.
So if we’re constantly told to be ourselves and not worry about what other people think of us, when does keeping it real go wrong?
I wasn’t sure, but I thought it was probably when you do so at the expense of other people. To be completely oblivious (or worse, be aware and just not care) about how your actions will affect others would be characteristic of low EQ… and it pays to have high Emotional Intelligence. Horowitz clearly does, as he thought through the situation carefully, putting himself in the shoes of those he might be offending, even if his decision wasn’t to change anything.
A Blueprint for Authenticity
Having figured that much out, I decided that maybe I have something to write after all. Here are five things I’ve learned over the years that have improved my EQ and also made me a more comfortable and authentic leader:
Listen, think, speak—in that order, as often as possible. People think they listen but they really don’t. It’s an easy trap to fall into, and you have to be focused and give someone 100% of your attention. Since our capacity for focusing is limited by any number of factors, this is really hard to do consistently. When you get better at listening, it does two things for you. One, you’ll have the respect of the person that’s speaking to you. Two, they’ll really listen to what you have to say. Which makes the next point easier…
Be honest and straightforward. Even when what you have to say might be hard for that person to hear. Beating around the bush will certainly make you seem less authentic and won’t inspire confidence in those that you are working with. Being polite and honest are not mutually exclusive, it’s possible to do both.
It’s OK to be a little weird. I’m definitely a little (maybe a lot) weird. We all are, that’s what makes us interesting. As a leader, I think it’s important to embrace the things that make each individual unique and build that into our culture to promote psychological safety and open communication.
Consider tools like Attuned to help understand the underlying values of your company, teams, or colleagues to help foster a better understanding of Intrinsic Motivation and workplace communication.
A lot of things on this list of 68 bits of unsolicited advice.
Interestingly, while writing this and going full Charlie Kaufman (if you don’t get the reference, watch the film, it’s a classic), I had to reflect on my own authenticity, how it’s changed throughout my career, and how ultimately I’ve learned to both expand on and temper my own authenticity… because too much of anything is still too much.
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